*
(audience cheering)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight.
I'm John Oliver, thank you so much
for being with us this evening.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and obviously we begin with FIFA,
the sports organization that is much easier to pronounce
than "Niffle", "Mulb",
or "Unba".
Last week, we covered FIFA's recent scandals,
and how shocking it was that their Swiss lizard of a president, Sepp Blatter,
was still in office.
Well, on Tuesday there was some amazing news.
Top of the hour as Sepp Blatter shocks the globe.
You don't often say that with accuracy, but that happened today--
resigning as the president of FIFA.
Oh, my God! (audience cheers)
He's leaving! He's actually leaving!
I feel like a Greenpeace volunteer who successfully got someone's attention.
I-- I didn't think this would happen,
and now I don't know what to do.
Now, if you watched us last week, you'll know
that I may have some personal Bud Light Lime related consequences due to this.
We will deal with that later in the show.
But for now, let's just focus on the story,
because the timing of Blatter's announcement was notable for two reasons.
First, it was only four days after being reelected president.
That's like being elected pope and immediately announcing,
"Judaism makes some good points.
I think I may have got this wrong."
And secondly, Blatter stepped down just days before the U.S. release
of United Passions, a suspiciously glowing movie history of FIFA.
Newscaster: This is the movie version of Sepp Blatter,
played by Tim Roth and largely bankrolled
by the football organization itself.
This movie theater is the only one in New York showing United Passions.
We're just a few minutes from the very first showing,
and, well, they're not exactly fighting off the crowds.
Okay.
So-- so I say this.
To the one person in New York who has been looking
for a large private room in which to masturbate to images of Tim Roth,
it would appear you are finally in luck.
Thank you for your patience.
The reviews so far have been phenomenal.
The Guardian said that "as cinema, it is excrement."
And The New York Times called it "one of the most unwatchable films
in recent memory." And remember,
this is the same week the Entourage movie came out.
Hashtag-- the boys are back.
But perhaps most worrying of all for FIFA
was that their former vice president Jack Warner,
who stands accused of facilitating at least $10 million in bribes,
has indicated he might take everyone else down with him.
Newscaster: In a rambling seven-minute video he released Wednesday
entitled "Jack Warner: The Gloves Are Off,"
he vowed to reveal rampant wrongdoing
at the highest levels of world soccer.
I don't know what I love more about that,
that he released a video that was basically a veiled threat,
or that it played on Trinidadian television.
Because apparently, you can just buy time on TV there
to say whatever you like.
So here's the thing-- that's what we've done.
We-- we have-- (applause)
We have more to say to Jack Warner than we have room for here.
So we bought five minutes of airtime on Trinidad's TV 6
at 9:01 p.m. on Tuesday.
We will be preempting the first five minutes of, and this is true,
Mike & Molly,
and we'll be doing it with "John Oliver:
The Mittens Of Disapproval Are On."
So fly to Trinidad on Tuesday if you want to see that.
But for now, the rest of us--
let's move on to cyber security,
the only reason most of us know our mother's maiden name.
It's an increasingly important part of America's defense,
and on Thursday we saw why.
Newscaster: This morning the U.S. government is struggling
to assess the damage,
officials revealing possibly the biggest cyber attack
on the U.S. government ever breached their critical computer networks.
Okay, CNN, a hack into government computers is perfectly scary enough
without adding leftover graphics from The Matrix.
The problem is already huge without the specter
of a merciless kung fu quasi-Jesus in a duster jacket.
The hackers broke into systems containing information
for more than four million current and former federal employees,
potentially hitting every federal agency
from the Department of Justice all the way
to even the National Marine Fisheries Service.
Which means there could be an undercover Fisheries officer right now
whose information is in the hands of hackers.
Sergeant Gillis, swim away!
Your cover's blown! Get out of there!
So I have to know, who is responsible for this?
Newscaster: According to officials, evidence points to hackers
working for the Chinese military.
The motive here may be to obtain personal information
that can be used for blackmail purposes
to turn some of those U.S. employees
into spies, perhaps even, for the Chinese-- at least informants.
That's crazy. Listen, China.
If you really want to blackmail Americans, you're going about this wrong.
Don't bother hacking into government computers to grab our personnel files.
Just get our browser histories and we'll turn traitor instantly.
Because you can have our Social Security numbers,
but there is no one on Earth who would not betray their country
to keep people from finding out that their last five Google searches
were "What country are dragons in?",
"Ray Romano nip slip,"
"Sexiest cats,"
"Tinder one year no matches troubleshoot,"
and "Uncontrollable farting cancer?"
You want leverage, China, that's where you'll find it.
And finally, finally this week, Turkey.
Turkey, the country that's always much bigger than you think it is.
Much like Tim Robbins. Did you know he's six-five? He's very big.
Turkey's election was today,
and the ruling party lost their majority.
The election turned on too many issues to get into now,
but there was one which I have to mention,
because last week opposition leader Kemal Kilicdaroglu
accused Turkey's president Recep Erdogan
of wasting taxpayer money on something truly ridiculous.
Newscaster: Opposition leader Kemal Kilicdaroglu
accused the president of using taxpayers' money
to decorate his bathroom,
most notably with a golden lavatory.
Yes. He claimed Erdogan has a golden toilet.
And that hurts, 'cause on the list of offensive symbols of wealth,
that is somewhere between having a servant carry you everywhere piggyback style
and owning poor people touching gloves.
It's a heavy accusation,
which is why Erdogan hit back hard.
Newscaster: The president issued a challenge
to the opposition leader.
Translator: I invite him
to please come and take a tour.
I wonder if he'll be able to find
such a golden toilet seat in any of these washrooms.
If he finds it, I will resign from the presidency.
If he can't find them, he will resign from his party.
Yes, you heard that right.
He was offering a good, old-fashioned,
loser leaves town Turkish toilet hunt.
And those are some high stakes.
Because normally, the worst thing that happens when you can't find a toilet
is you tie a sweatshirt around your waist
and you quietly leave the house party.
Now, sadly, the challenge was refused, which is a tragedy.
Because what Erdogan was proposing was a literal game of thrones.
"All this power will be yours, if you can find the fabled golden toilet.
However, if you cannot, you shall be banished from the kingdom.
For in the game of thrones, you poop or you die."
And now, this.
Announcer: Here's to you...
(audience cheering)
Our main story tonight is bail.
We're so used to it, it has become a fixture of American life.
Man: Down here at the shore, one minute you got three girls
in a Jacuzzi, next minute somebody's in jail
and you have to bail them out.
That's what happens down at the shore.
(laughter)
The other thing that happens down at the shore? Chlamydia.
Just a medically astounding rate of chlamydia.
At its heart, America's bail system sounds pretty simple.
If you're charged with a crime, the court might ask for an amount
of money as bond and then return it to you once you show up for trial.
And if you have that money, it's no big deal.
But if you don't, you can be in big trouble.
Just look at one example, a man called Miguel.
He was arrested for driving with a suspended license,
the court set bail at a thousand dollars, and he had a choice--
pay it or await a trial in Rikers Island.
And I'll let Miguel and his wife take the story from there.
I wouldn't wish Rikers on my worst enemy, 'cause it's rough.
It was hard because I had to borrow-- I had to try to borrow money
from this person, and this person,
and this person to try to get him out.
He told the judge, "I can't afford a thousand dollar bail."
So he really didn't have a choice but to plead guilty.
Now whether he was guilty or not, the fact is a nonviolent offender
spent time in Rikers because he didn't have a thousand dollars.
And this is a systemic problem.
Increasingly, bail has become a way
to lock up the poor regardless of guilt.
Because Miguel was a family man
who posed no danger to society whatsoever and he was stuck in Rikers,
whereas millionaire Robert Durst,
who'd been accused of murder in Texas,
had a completely different experience of the bail system.
I'd been told by the detective that, uh,
"You've been charged with murder, bail has been set at $250,000."
But was your intention when you put up the $250,000 to run away?
Oh, good-bye $250,000. Good-bye jail. I'm out!
"I'm out!" (audience booing)
That, of course, is an excerpt
from Robert Durst's children's book
"Goodbye Jail."
"Good-bye, money. Good-bye, bail.
I killed them all, but good-bye jail.
Of course. Of course."
The problem is the frequency and cost of bail have risen dramatically,
and it is disproportionately hurting the poor.
In fact, in 2013, an analysis of New Jersey's jail population
found that nearly 40 percent were being held solely because
they couldn't meet the terms of their bail, which is crazy.
Jail is supposed to be for dangerous criminals.
If 40 percent of a group don't meet the basic criteria to be there,
that should change your perception of what that group is.
If 40 percent of the Girl Scouts were grown men,
you'd feel weird about buying cookies from them.
So-- so what happens if you can't make bail?
Well, much like a game of "Fuck, Marry, Kill" with Crosby, Stills, and Nash,
there are a few terrible scenarios.
Option one, you sit in jail.
And again, if you're poor, as this defense attorney explains,
that has immediate consequences.
Our clients work at jobs where if you're absent, you're fired.
Our clients live in shelters or in transitional housing,
places where if you're not there for the night, your place is gone.
So there are a lot of different ways in which incarceration,
even for a short period of time, can really destroy someone's life.
Exactly. Jail can do for your actual life
what being in a marching band can do for your social life.
Even if you're just in for a little while, it can destroy you.
Destroy you.
But that means-- it's no wonder
that many defendants who can't afford bail favor option number two,
simply pleading guilty even if you're not,
as a former public defender explains.
You sit in jail because you can't afford
to pay your way to freedom.
And you're often confronted with a deal that goes like this--
plead guilty, get out;
maintain your innocence and go to trial, stay in.
And poor people are regularly choosing to admit guilt
just to get out of there, which isn't good.
The only time that's appropriate is in a Catholic confessional.
"What do you mean is there anything else?
I don't know, I masturbated into a kiwi fruit.
Is that what you want to hear? Just let me leave!
I have stuff to do."
And the problem is, if you do plead guilty to a crime you didn't commit,
that has its own downsides, because, unfortunately,
on a job application next to the question
"Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Check yes or no--"
most don't then leave four pages of blank space
to explain the social and economic inequalities inherent in the legal system.
And that brings us to your final option, commercial bail bondsmen.
You know, the people who make amazing ads like these.
Grumpy's Bail Bonds has busted out
all over middle Tennessee.
* I ain't going out like that *
* I'm a call for bail bonds 'cause they got my back *
* They got me out in no time, now I'm back on track *
Man: Jesus Christ Bail Bonds!
May God release you on a payment plan by calling me.
I'm Bishop Barry of Jesus Christ Bail Bonds.
410-292-3029.
If you're locked up and afraid-- Bail out!
Bail out!
Jesus Christ Bail Bonds!
Yes. Jesus Christ Bail Bonds!
Amazing. But I will say,
it is a little weird given that Jesus,
pretty memorably, I think, was not bailed out.
I mean, he did eventually escape custody,
but it was a real workaround of the system.
Now here is how that system works, though.
Bail bondsmen promise the court to pay your bail
if you fail to show up for a trial.
In exchange, you pay them 10 to 15 percent of the bail amount,
which they then keep regardless of how your trial goes.
So if your bail is $5,000 and you're found innocent,
then you've basically just paid a $750 fee to a bondsman
for doing absolutely nothing wrong.
And paying $750 for absolutely nothing
should be reserved for one thing and one thing only--
six-month gym memberships. That's it.
You're not gonna use it, Gerald.
You're gonna use the treadmill twice, and that's it.
This is learning to speak Korean all over again, Gerald.
And if you don't show up for your trial,
bail bondsmen routinely hire bounty hunters to track you down,
and they have a frightening amount of power.
Newscaster: In all but four states, the companies are legally
allowed to take almost any measure necessary to capture a client,
including crossing state lines and breaking into homes.
It's a dangerous business for everyone involved,
with few rules and little oversight.
Oh, they're not kidding. In 18 states,
anyone can become a bounty hunter
regardless of education, training,
or prior criminal history.
Becoming a bounty hunter is basically a lot
like becoming a social media expert.
All it takes is wanting it bad enough
and not caring about whether strangers hate you or not.
But then the news that any idiot can be a bounty hunter
shouldn't really be that surprising to you
if you've ever turned on A&E and stumbled across this.
I am a lawman on a mission from God.
When I say "freeze!",
they know what I'm saying.
How's it going, man? Freeze! (bleep)
(bleeped shouting) Get down!
(shouting)
The only way this guy will get away from us
is if he kills himself right now
and jumps into a pool of sharks.
Okay. Okay.
I have to be a stickler over chronology, Dog,
but how do you kill yourself and then jump into a pool of sharks?
That's the kind of attention to detail, Dog,
that makes me worry about you operating as an unregulated vigilante.
Now that show was so popular,
it inspired pretty much every other bail business
to pitch themselves as a reality show.
Just click around online and you will find sizzle reels
for a veritable smorgasbord of similar shows.
* Walk and you talk and you're acting like a criminal *
* Running through the woods like a four-legged animal *
The bottom line is, while you're on bond, we're on your ass.
Dear idiot, we're coming to get you.
Man: Bounty hunting is a natural high.
You gotta think like them, be like them,
and react quicker than them.
Put your hands up!
Narrator: You want tough?
You want action?
Meet Big Benny.
They call him Teddy Bear.
It doesn't stop there.
There's also Richard, the Screwdriver.
Richard L., the Other Richard.
Allison, the Greco Roman Wrestler.
Caroline, the one who took up archery after watching The Hunger Games.
And don't forget Jennifer, the arthritic alpaca in a bowler hat.
Actually, you know what?
I now regret making fun of that.
Now that I'm seeing the cast, I get the appeal.
I want to see those characters grow.
Clearly, these shows are in a competitive marketplace.
And the problem is, when people try to stick out,
ideas like this happen.
So what do we do differently?
We don't just bounty hunt, we bounty race.
Narrator: Each week...
two new teams of bounty hunters...
go head to head.
Welcome to the most dangerous competition on television.
Bail Chasers.
Okay. First of all--
first of all, the most dangerous competition on television
is The Bachelorette.
Those women have loved and they've lost.
Love is a reward, but it's also a risk, goddamn it! It's a risk!
She's putting herself on the line!
She's there for the right reasons!
She sees her husband in that room!
And-- and second, it says something about how comfortable we all are
with how our bail system works that a TV show
where people with guns hunt humans for sport
seems legitimate because we just think,
"Well, they're just doing their actual job."
And when you give bounty hunters this kind of power,
bad things happen.
Newscaster: Veteran Gene Travis says he was sitting with his wife
on his Bethpage front porch. Next thing he knows,
his barn is being searched, and Travis has a stun gun pointed at his back.
The intruders-- Mark Brummett and his wife Angela,
bounty hunters who police say had the wrong home.
Newscaster #2: Clay was shot by one of the bondsman.
He was then transported to EIRMC, where he died.
Newscaster #3: Was a bounty hunter justified in tasing
a Midwest City homeowner last Saturday?
Was another justified in shooting his dog?
Police say the video tape they took says no.
Yeah, the video says no,
basic human decency says no,
even a Magic 8 Ball having seen that would say,
"Holy shit! I can't believe you're even asking me. No!"
Look, our current bail system makes no sense
and it does a lot of harm.
And the frustrating thing is we've known this for a long time.
Just watch this TV news special from 1964.
Narrator: Yes, the jails are bursting at the seams--
a problem of great concern
to New York City Commissioner of Correction Anna Cross.
Remaining in jail because you can't get bail
is really being punished before you're even found guilty.
As far as I was concerned, that was not just.
That was destroying our concept of justice.
That's right. This problem has been obvious
since it was considered okay to wear a wastebasket on your head.
But look, here's-- here's the good news.
There is a better way, and it's already in use
in our federal courts and in Washington, D.C.
Newscaster: Judges in Washington are allowed to set money bail
only if the defendant can afford it.
The results have been far fewer people spending time behind bars.
Man: We are the only city in America
where tonight at our jail
there is not a single man or woman
who is sitting because they don't have the money
to meet their money bond.
And it's a testament-- it's a testament
to the state of our justice system
that that qualifies as bragging,
because that should be the norm.
He's like a bus driver showing up at school saying,
"23 kids picked up, 23 kids dropped off.
I pitched a perfect game."
Pretrial services works like this.
After you're arrested, specialists assess
if you're dangerous or a flight risk.
If a judge decides that you're not, you can go home,
and they may monitor you with things like drug tests or ankle monitors.
They even call you to remind you of your court date.
It's a system built on interviews,
pre-arranged appearances, and trust.
Much like Scientology marriages, only in this case,
much more effective.
And pretrial service programs have succeeded around the country
in places ranging from Oregon to Florida.
And it is a truly frightening state of affairs
when Florida is a model for progressive change.
It shouldn't be a judicial example for anything.
Did you know, by the way, that under Florida law
if you possess over five grams of meth, you can marry it.
That's a fact. That's a legal fact.
That's an actual photo that ran in a newspaper's wedding section in Florida.
And yet-- and yet,
even counties in Florida recognize our money bail system is broken.
And not only is pretrial services better, it's cheaper.
A recent assessment of one system showed it costing only a tenth
as much as keeping someone locked up.
Which makes sense, because calling someone to check in
costs virtually nothing.
This message brought to you by your mother.
Your mother, she brought you into this world,
and would like to hear your fucking voice once in a while!
So-- so--
so if pretrial services are fairer, better, and cheaper,
why aren't we all using it?
Well, maybe because thanks to reality shows,
we think that this is what justice looks like.
We're gonna hunt this scum down.
(bleep) Down! Now!
Bad dog.
So-- so maybe we just need a new kind of reality show
to get us used to the alternative.
(siren)
Narrator: You want tough?
(growling) You want action?
Move! (shouting)
Meet Steve Carp.
He's one of the most respected pretrial services caseworkers
in the United States.
So let's see. Okay, looks like you were ticketed
with public urination. No priors.
Seems like a one-off sort of thing.
Can we count on you to be back here in six weeks for your trial?
Um, of course.
Great. We're done here.
Uh, no.
This is a routine thing.
Statistically, he's virtually guaranteed to turn up.
We're done here.
Narrator: They call Steve "The Hand Grenade,"
and he works with a crack team of legal enforcers.
Meet Deborah.
Oh, hello. This is Deborah from Pretrial Services.
I'm just calling to remind you about
your upcoming court date this Thursday.
Well, you're welcome.
Narrator: They call her "The Viper."
I feel like a cat. You know... (meows)
(meows, chuckles)
All right, back to work.
*
Narrator: And then there's Brett.
So all these are risk assessments.
This is all computerized, but, you know,
I keep a, uh, hard copy just in case.
Narrator: That's why they call him "The Annihilator."
(machine gunfire)
Narrator: And finally, Gerald,
the guy in charge of urine tests.
Clear. If there's something in there that's illegal,
I'm gonna sniff it out. 'Cause that's what I do.
I'm a piss sniffer.
(heart beating)
We got one.
Narrator: They call him "The Nose."
You really gonna make a TV show out of this?
Who's gonna watch it?
Narrator: You will, because this fall,
we'll be bringing you all the thrills and excitement
of pretrial supervision as this elite team brings people to justice.
Well, we don't bring them to justice. It's more like we make arrangements
for them to bring themselves to justice.
Narrator: Ignore that. This show is full of high-stakes drama...
You better pray I don't get you for secret Santa this year!
You don't wanna fuck with Deborah.
Narrator: ...and inter-office romance.
Gerald is a bloodhound.
Oh, yeah! She wants me.
And if wasn't for all them cats, I would hit that.
I would knock the bottom out of her.
Narrator: But most importantly...
* Filling out forms and filing them in triplicate *
* We won't lock you up if your crime's not significant *
* If you get a ticket for public urination *
* We won't lock you up so you lose your occupation *
* We kick it indoors, screaming dead or alive *
* This is an office job, we all go home at five *
* The system works well, so there's no need for nervousness *
* It's all in the game at Pretrial Services *
*
Narrator: Pretrial Services.
Coming this fall to A&E.
It's cost-effective, motherfucker.
And finally tonight, FIFA again.
Listen, I cannot avoid this any longer.
We have some unfinished business.
Newscaster: On Sunday night,
while reporting on the FIFA scandal,
John Oliver made this promise.
Budweiser, if you pull your support,
and help get rid of Blatter,
I will put my mouth where my mouth is
and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items.
I'm serious. It can be a Bud Light.
I will even drink a Bud Light Lime.
I did promise that.
And, you know what? It didn't end there.
I also promised to wear these ridiculous Adidas shoes
and take a bite from everything on the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
I didn't think this would happen.
Now, to be fair, to be fair,
it is not clear that the sponsors had anything to do with Blatter leaving,
and Blatter's departure still leaves FIFA with a huge amount
of restructuring to do. But, that said,
a promise is a promise, and I'm a man of my word.
So first, check these puppies out.
(audience cheering)
Who needs arch support when you look
like Louis XIV going to a rap battle?
And as for McDonald's, well, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! I'm doin' it.
So let's see. A bite of all of this disgusting mess.
(audience cheering)
It's like there's a party in my mouth,
and my stomach has called the cops to shut it down.
Look, I can't delay it any longer.
We all know what the main event is.
I promised I would drink a Bud Light Lime and say it was delicious.
However, for the record, I didn't promise anything
about what I would say before I drank it.
Which is... that Bud Light Lime tastes
like Jolly Green Giant's ejaculate.
It tastes like the Great Gazoo urinating in a public pool...
or a lime Jolly Rancher fished out of Mickey Rourke's mouth.
But, look, if I'm gonna do this,
I'm not gonna do it small. I'm gonna do it properly.
So please come with me. It's a cool party!
Where cool people are having a good time. Thank you very much.
So here we go. Bud Light Lime may taste
like your tongue is angry with you,
but after seeing Sepp Blatter leaving, to me it tastes...
(audience cheering)
Delicious!
That's our show. A reminder--
we're on Trinidad at 9:01 p.m. Tuesday.
See you next week. Good night!
(audience cheering)
*